Hard relationship facts

"In your journeys you will find, balance of the heart and mind."

Let us be gentle with ourselves and with the other. When we loose track: reroute. 

We ought to move towards a proper relationship, not a perfect other.

A good relationship has material balance. We are approaching a bigger goal. During the way we go together.

All of us have stakes in it. That means: a living arrangement each of us contributes to. According to what we can afford, put proportionally into it. Medical bills? Everyone shall put as much into it as necessary and possible. Have proper insurance, if it costs nothing or is affordable. One earns more than the other? Have a portion of income set aside for these topics. Both of us, proportionally. Not just money. Taking care of, arranging whatever is necessary. Soul-requirements as well, providing soul-resources. Car? Same deal. No one travels dangerously. Home? Home is built mutually. Each one of us has room for improvement – even when it seems elusive! The more it hides (for us), the more important it is.

We are working for the common good. Nothing else. We also have our own stuff, obviously, but there is room, shall be room for the common good, all the way. When we divert from it: checkpoints. Finding a way back to it.

Emotional support is not enough.

Emotional support is necessary.

There are several ways to contribute. Help each other contribute, by making contribution easier taking into account each other's current state.

We are evolving. Common goals are encompassing that also. Never forget.

When there is an entanglement and getting lost in what we already did, what we are repeating: stop and reassess. There should be a time for reassessment. There is room for death and rebirth.

Death and rebirth are natural and sometimes necessary for improvement. Remember: the basis of a good relationship is evolution. It has to be tangible, it is not theory.

There should be therapy. Therapy, as a pair and as a family leads to real and painful growth.

It is inevitable. Learning to live in a relationship is not about joyriding in life. It is about a challenging evolution next to each other. In each other's mirror. We cannot skip this. There should be boundaries, not just between people, but also for a person in themselves. A tangible, real division of efforts, time and attention. We are multifaceted. Consciousness goes from one place to another, it always has, and always shall, that is normal. Here comes the question of focus. Focus is setting our attention back to the division of time and attention that we defined for ourselves, for our own sake and others’ benefit. It is painful to switch from one mode to the other sometimes, back to work, back to play, back to relationship, back to gentleness and love, back to idling.

There is a goal, that changes how we look at things. We are suffering anyway. We suffer alone, suffer monotony, suffer switching modes, uncertainty, etc. We can suffer changing from our stuff to each other’s and we sometimes suffer if we are forced to do the opposite.

Zen is not a joyride of pleasant consciousness, or a pleasant life. Zen is doing all this in a format that we choose. It can be a monastery and it can be a family. There is a shift. If we can choose this, then a biological creation can begin, a creation of physical reality, surroundings, leisure, a home environment or work. The better the environment – inner and outer – the wider joy and pleasantness is (visible).

This is not mechanical, this is not third-grade mathematics. Life has varying, sudden or elastic moments and moves. This above is hard to put into practise. This is either a commitment we make to put into practise or not.

Doing this is such an action of will as staying in zazen day after day for more than three months. An act of grace, and act of will, and an act of underlining currents we surf unknowingly and in such an intimate knowingness nevertheless that we cannot explain. It is an act of trust.

This is simply life. I know it sounds stupid, but living it on this level is human life near its fullest. Being workable, elastic and naturally self-repairing ourselves, then self-repairing in a relationship and opening into larger units as families and into even larger, properly functioning and resilient communities. Work, personal obstacles and difficulties. Work, objective mirrors that can be very painful. Lesser and shorter cycles of being stuck. Sometimes big obstacles, shattering, big wounds where light truly shines in. The more we do it (do not resist it), the more transformative, deep its effect, the change is in the cells and in the energy body. What used to be our blind spots become consciously lit and nourishing, soft, strong parts of us, and in the succeeding iteration wider, softer, better connections and interaction is possible, working our way towards the original, starting connection (with all that is), which truly becomes complete, it is rest.

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I find all aspects of what I described above immensely worthy and rich. All valuable parts of who I am and who we are.

I would like to be capable of living in a way that allows both, a warm and outpouring life and living the calm and logical portion of it as well, in tandem.

I would not like to overdo one in spite of the other any more.

I am at a phase when I really, really would like to live for another as well as for myself, and by supporting them, also healing my own wounds. With someone who makes it easy for me to support her, in a sense that she is taking into account my set of limitations, the ever-present change in us, and is seeing my deep yet wide, heartfelt wish for this endeavour. I’d like to co-create an outward-flowing spiral of support, and co-build a cosy, ever more beautiful physical life.

I would like to provide proper holding and hugs and service at the right time, and would like to receive the proper reassuring set of words at the right moment also. All these in the space of valid and pure attention. Communion. Family.