Sensation of separation, a personal truth

This is a chronicle of a COEX-based process unfolding in the span of a few days, that of separation and exclusion. The container of this unfolding was my ever-widening capacity to hold these processes, surrender to them and allow them without resistance – and my lovely family and friends, whose outgoing, kind, wise and heartfelt attention helped me a lot holding it, understanding it, and coping with the pain.

Also big props to my ever-loving partner, R, with whom all this learning could be triggered, held in place and experienced for a proper while in such a manner that it was workable. (Even though love and its stopping was a critical part to trigger the story for me.)

There is always a surprise in these stories, that the well-known, unbearable, recurring experience can open further and there can actually be an opening and positive twist which reorganizes life and the story itself.
The unfolding is always different from what was imagined before, it is usually not in the surface story-land where the event was triggered, and creates a very healthy distance with the adventure.

There is usually a connection with something earlier, a strong heartfelt feeling of what happened long before, maybe several times in a succession before – and the full experiencing of said just emotion and the just expression of it, in front of a witness.

This is change.

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A few notes along the road, in a reverse chronological order. These are glimpses to show the stages of the road, not the whole story.

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Az számít, hogy mit csinálok, mire vagyok képes, mit hozok létre.

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III.

The Devil
Strength
The Star

My mother was very unjust with me.
She was unjust and put me into impossible situations, that I tried to solve.
Love and connection was withdrawn from me and I struggled to get it back.

I love to love and be loved at home. Maybe it is just simple and good for me to be with a likeable companion who also loves that. Not exclusively that, but it is the tendency for me lately.

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II.

(To M.) These certainly resonate a lot with me. Wonderful poems.
It is hard not to compare, to just do as you said in the verses. Not to put things into perspective – a perspective which itself is the painful part. A perspective of imagined lives. And I also wrote a text in Hungarian, it is about… let me check, it was before my nap. About the possibility of stopped love – that is something I surely am afraid of, that coming from a woman love stops. I can remember occurrences when my mother stopped loving me, seemingly at least, when I got a bad grade, was late for a lunch that was important for her, etc., all these times not meeting her expectation of me, then a courtship for love for half a day started, until I somehow got it back. Whenever I did something wrong love was withheld from me I guess. Please do not imagine a horrid hell-scape, it was not like that, it was just a withdrawal of kindness, attention, love, caring, inclusion. I was not included. Sometimes that lasted for a longer while. So a break-up is something similar, visiting a different, far-away town can be something similar, etc., etc. The perceived emotional volatility of another person, of my female partner is a reason to pull myself out, to be safe, to a place where love does not stop, then love stops, because I pulled out too much.

I had an excellent conversation with E, understood a lot. The unjust, I could feel the unjust of it all, the kid from whom the mother withdraws love. This is basically it, this hits on separation again. Maybe earlier COEXs as well, but this reflects most in this case. This realization eases something in me, I feel more independent of the prevailing story now.

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I.

Egyensúlyos partnerkapcsolat

(Álmokba befelé vagy onnan kifelé írtam.)

Azt nehéz elfogadni – nekem –, hogy a szeretet véget érhet, a női szeretet.
Ez bűntudattal párosulhat bennem, mert azt mondták nem tettem meg az eleget.
És ezert elvesztettem.
Bármit megtennék érte.
Ha ő, egy attraktív, vagy már jól szeretett nő elkezd szeretni, akkor mennék.
Szeretetben, amikor jól vagyok – és itt jön a szeretetnyelv, tehát amikor beszélik az enyémet –, hamar mennék.
Majd a saját beírt, önkibontó programjaim mentén nyílnék, felfedeznék ilyenkor.
Figyelnem kell arra, hogy kivel megyek, és arra is, hogy ez az önkibontás ne menjen a kapcsolat rovására ekkor.
Amit meg tudok tenni a kapcsolatért, azt szeretném megtenni.
Introvertáltan biztonság a vágyam? Akkor legyen saját becsukható szobám közös létben, közösen, nem pedig elszeparált életem. A kettőnk része pedig együtt kialakított legyen. Ha lehet.
Odafigyelés a másikra, a jóllétére, a közös egyensúlyra, ő is az enyémre.
Magunk mellé helyezzük egymást és a kapcsolat szépségét, amely a mi jóllétünk egymással, benne.
Inkább a gyermekemre figyelni, mint magamra.
Addig is a belső gyermekre.

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A történet – mint mindig –, megy tovább és tovább és távolabb, és tovább. Szíveljük meg. Most is ♡

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Mi működött közben?

Ez: Kisbalázs
És ez: Jó ember 2.0