Family man

(Originally a Telegram message to E.)

Opening towards pair-development and a liveable, organic, gradual family lifestyle is happening in me. That is the endeavour for me, step by step preparing in the past years. Less fear, more steps and love. Gradual awakening, as Stephen Levine calls it – that for me means growing up (forty years); handling the painful and difficult family ties (tens of years); getting back to myself (years); being nourished on the way via human connections and forests, lakes, holotropic breathwork, expression) (many years); and while being healed individually, shifting towards something more (years). My mother passed. My innermost wish and challenge then was to go on so that I am capable of loving more – not just one specific person but all (years). Now I am rather in the mode of living more. Shifted into the facilitator and family-man role very gradually – by re-opening the supporting aspect in me. To be willing to and able to give more of myself – without obstacles. To be daring and relaxed enough for: us.

Time management and letting to, allowing each main aspect of life to persist. Giving is its own reward. Thankfulness is a remedy.

Loving and respecting each other, and having a common goal of an enduring, healthy family, and home. For now. Stepping through the scares. In the format that fits us both. Resilience. Re-focusing. Visibility and honesty. We fall short and sit back up, stand back up. Reaction, then a corrected, true response. Remedying togetherness. Sorry, please, thank you, I love you, I am grateful that we can be here. You are sexy. Let me lick your ass. Can you lick me? Just a hug please. I am happy that you are here, let me hug you. How can I support you? I need time.

I am on a gradual path with smaller and rougher bumps, guided by deep love, a wish to express it and receive it while doing my and our mutual fun and work. I have my wishful thoughts, but I also give up and give more of myself to you. Please be tender with me, patient and bona fide. I trust you, please trust me also. Shared goals, projects (bigger than us) will help.

I have many sides. I like to do expressive work, also to express kindness, to take care of, to be left alone at times. To have insane sex, to have no sex, to have no guilt, to be freely seen without judgement. To see you in full, doing my best to work through my judgement. I am intelligent. I can feel all the feelings. I also like to be taken care of with words, gifts. I like to idle and fully rest sometimes. I can do push-pull, which I try to harness as much as I can! Sometimes it takes over but I can see it and I just need a moment to recollect. Sorry for that.

Our freedom is important – and so is a partner, a base, a flow of consciousness outside and in with that partner. For me, primary partner. A little overused, but belonging. Being developed, changed in a constellation, in a relationship together. A mutual value system that grows us both. A good relationship that perfects us, not perfect us who form a relationship. Taking care of, thinking of, mentioning each other, little gifts, acts of kindness, being glad that the other is here, letting each other be free, joining each other in their activity sometimes!