Being loved

(It is a multi-layered story of being loved. A thank you to J, my mother(s), father(s) and me.)

This is about the feeling of being loved. Being loved is being here, open, being see-through in a way. A natural state of granular happiness. Positive curiosity driven from within this content granularity. Sometimes.

At the end of every monomyth or hero's journey there is the gift of the Goddess. From within. Goddesses come in many forms. As does happiness. As long as I am stuck to those forms, well, until then I am stuck.

You are loved. I am loved.

Help and support comes in many forms as well. While we may cling to a certain format of love, it is really helpful to have someone who steadily reminds us of what drives the whole process for us.

It is a multi-faceted process, a few things are happening simultaneously. A repeated, loving reminder comes from the outside. A person lets us in and "loves us". We are in a pattern of thinking: we need someone from the outside to love us, e.g. a woman. We have no power over this, we are at the mercy of this. We feel incomplete that may appear in many forms, needing external validation, everything seems bleak because half of our reality is not here – thus making all the rest that is present anaemic. It is an anaemic state, not enough life force to build and to "live upon". Being forced back to rest, giving up on effort – all efforts.

Two things are happening in a good “assisted self-healing process”, or remembrance process, in my case an omission recovery process:

1.) A reminder comes from without, actually pointing to the love force that points from within us to the outside. Being loved. A reminder that I perceive from the outside, suspecting that it does something inside because I get to ease from it, and I am not quite sure how it is done.

Careful territory: The reminding person actually loves me *to a degree*, she or he knows love, practices it, we can call it a friendship. Loves but does not allow sticking. Reflects, teaches. A friend can do this, or a good-willing skilful individual. This is natural. (“We are here to walk each other home.” – Ram Dass) On one hand it is useful, and on another hand something to overcome later on (in me), which is also natural. There are refined emotional and story layers unfolding, probably on both sides.

After a while, maybe a long while, the reminder actually starts to truly ring a bell within. In my experience it worked gradually. Some significant healing first, a more liveable system, functioning better, connections, steps towards wholeness, more integrated parts, more frequent periods of being loved. Elasticity and self-empowerment. Boundaries. Fancying the idea of giving more responsibly. Selflessness and the trust in the social process, also my process to progress alongside theirs automatically while purely being with them, here for them (giving) is still evolving. I had experiences of this, not a second nature yet.

Years passed, ten or so altogether. I found myself at the edge of separation again, being lifeless, anaemic, seemingly arriving from the outside, (un)solvable outside. Eleven years of work and this again? Arrogance. Each iteration comes in a different format, more self-sufficient, less self-harming or doing that differently, weaker support necessary. Still feels like a mess, deep pain, lifelessness. Fully separated, some anger, fear, pain, exhausting amounts of thoughts. A tad more self-steering though. An excessive amount of dumping and venting energy that I cannot make use of (e.g. with tobacco (mapacho) and self-pleasuring for a sense of contact). A few healthier habits as well, for instance exercise. Anyway, a month gone, and one night a dream comes.

2.) The other type of help that is happening / coming from that person / therapy is a constant breaking down of constructs. Teaching self-reliance and introspection techniques. That is also a breaking down of the one-way set of glasses we use to understand the world, and also letting in even wider and wider parts of our unconscious into our consciousness. Integration, expression, like this writing. So we integrate more, and the glasses also reform. It is a vigilant effort from the supporter and the supported as well.

So a dream came. (Small background: I was missing my Father since the age of five, was raised by my Mother, Grandmother and Uncle.) In the dream I was with my mother. Maybe there were other people around as well, it was a hotel setting. My mother was in my room, in my bed at some point, she was intrusive, there was some misplaced sexual energy, and there was no respect for boundaries at all. I was angry, stood up and spoke up for my boundaries instantly. It did not have much effect.

That brought me back to a formative, now reformative event around when I was twenty. I fell in love with the sister of a friend. Short summer love, for two weeks. It did not actualize, only for one day. My mother had one of her tough periods back then (she suffered from a personality disorder / PTSD due to early-age trauma – and so did her surroundings).

So I went to this date, next town, pouring rain the whole afternoon, being together on a park bench in the rain for five-six hours or so, together and breaking up in one session. My first kiss, my fist fingering a woman. I can remember the train ride home in the night, heartbroken. My mother was upset. I went to my room, she tried to commit suicide in the meantime in hers. I heard the voices, she took pills, I called the ambulance, they washed her stomach, I escorted her to the hospital, I was yelled at by a doctor, and went back home. The scent of that girl was still on my fingers. I also left my home and moved to my grandmother and uncle for a while after a later fight with my mother, I was sort of expelled. So no romantic love, no love from my mother in the span of one day, a temporary home in a few. I was in depression for one and a half years after this. I did not know what was happening to me.

About twenty years later my mother apologized for this, for her inability of letting me go. She said it was a mistake. I forgave her, I have to do so again sometimes. I was not supported in my meaningful endeavours to be in a relationship. I seemed to be supported. She wished me good and I am sure I was loved as well within her. At the same time my participation in a wholesome relationship was made very difficult by her, and also by my COEXs. I was somehow ingrained with this sense of loss and denial alongside being loved or being in love, for a long time.

I was humiliated many times, which was and felt very unjust, I was attacked many times verbally.

So this story came up in the dream, and a strange ease occurred, alongside valid and just emotions. There was a shift of viewpoints as well. I shifted into a viewpoint, or it shifted into me, where this story and how it came to be was more important than the story of my recent breakup and the question of how I may reconnect again. This was a healthy shift. Then I lost it after a few moments but could still remember, and while still dreaming, also on the road to everyday consciousness and back, back and forth, I could work on getting back to this perspective. I succeeded in it and I am doing this practice of shifting back ever since. I woke up healthier than I felt during the last month, since the breakup. I inherently felt loved.

I did not think about winning her back during the previous month, rather about how I could meet and reconnect again with a new and truly compatible woman – also tried to define that compatibility. Meeting someone seemed impossible, settling in even more so. Depressed. I was looking outside, unable to move out. (Another layer of the story is that I did this mostly alone, nursing my right knee post-op. Building a new one.)

I know now that the woman or Goddess showing up at the end of the monomyth is within us, and I also know that she has a tendency to show up outside – at this point of liberation. I also know that she is appealing to me, and she is a gift.

I really would like to be with someone who, in my eyes, wears her clothes. I appreciate her a lot. I don't know what women prefer, maybe someone who has work done on their personal story, who is capable of moving together and staying. Maybe someone who is being loved inside. Authentic, kind. Maybe we can choose each other based on these exactly. Looking at each other through a wholesome set of eyes.

In summary: Someone let me in and she kept her integrity. Reaffirmed that I am loved, for a few hundred times, which was perceived as something coming from the outside, and it also rang a bell within me at the same time. I was "working on myself", also with her help. I got to this sensation of being loved at this time, without someone telling me so “in a professional capacity". I am being loved from the same place where her message of “you are being loved” stems from. She is very much in touch with her sense of love easily I think, in a way that I can also understand and recognize it. (Sometimes she is also grumpy or in whatever else emotion we also find ourselves in.) Thank you. I truly respect it all. Someone with exemplary passion and compassion, a Friend.

We pick our helpers and friends whose love language and demeanour we can understand. The familiar. I respect and admire the shared stories and parallel processes. And the being real, pure professionalism and trust, trust, trust – in me and my process that may turn messy from time to time. A primordial mess, and eventually humbleness. Experiencing our frailty (or strength), elastically, while feeling loved. Humbly doing my best today, partially aware of my capacity and limitations, and remembering that I am loved. I am loved.

"Mítoszt szeretnék építeni Együtt
A saját mítoszunkat
Az egész népes mezőn átkiáltani, hogy szeretlek
És hallgatni, hogy szeretsz"