A love letter

This letter is about openness and connection. Transparency, introduction, recognition and a touch. And it is by no means precise, so convoluted the topics I would like to cover in one setting that it is "höchstwahrscheinlich" impossible to convey succinctly. I'll try.

There was a meeting in a crystalline, colourfully lit kaleidoscope last week, subtle and sometimes tricky to navigate.
Certain notions falling into place, identifying various planes and settling into them. For me at least.

The soundtrack for jotting down this text is Wolf's ecstatic dance set. I missed the dance but did not miss the music – I was too busy settling and integrating at the time, or we were – more about that a bit further down.

We went there as a (forming) couple, and two forming people, P and me. Our joint venture is about authenticity / freedom and proper connection at the same time, and about family, was back there at the festival and is now at the time of this writing. Learning our personal truths, preferences, boundaries, the challenge of exploring this together, owning it, trust, trust, and knowing this sex-positive space, or as I call it now sex-emphasized.

I had the hunch beforehand that the sex-positive tribe is exactly the same as any expansive tribe I know or am a part of, and it indeed looks like that for me now. Connections happen according to soul, spirit, vibration, energy, maturity, wideness or depth – whatever you call it. And the funny thing is that these environments really look and feel like grown-up kindergartens to me, strangely mature, playing with our plastic toys, laughing, expressing and connecting really well and many times open- and light-hearted, via really feeling, owning up and going though our emotions and processes in the meantime. The usual deal, thankfully. Our artsy tribe back at home, our tribe at Ozora, Schwelle, very similar deal. Thank God and really thank you. A meditation if you will, very zen, light and dark equanimously and bravely, through, gate, gate, paragate, parasamgate, bodhi svaha.

I have this growing feeing of a family opening up and growing in me these days, like the canopy of a tree. Community as well, etc.
I also nurture my ur-old pain of separation. Many times I am able to remain present with it and can make the decision to relax into it. During the workshop it was triggered several times, naturally. It flows and opens up since, all good, also natural.
I can pinpoint when my Kraken-arms reach out in form of projections stemming from this pain. We usually call these defences.
There is also this longing for connection on the other hand, and clear experiences of the wonder of it. Thank God. Caresses and intimacy, a touch.
Contraction and expansion. Working through it.
We do maintain a monogamous relationship, and it is so interesting to see how far intimacy can go on the side until it is still manageable. Originally I opted in for the festival on my own, still single, and following through as a couple was a level-up tenfold in learning I think. Mostly about responsibility, for each other and ourselves. We are vulnerable people (probably not just the two of us). Responsibility is just no joke, and in my eyes it can be at least as joyful or important as freedom.
It is all about learning and deciding to trust, right? (In ourselves, each other, the process.) A widening of trust. Something in me tells me that I can do my best work when I am in connection. I also suspect that desires are vehicles to explore all this territory. They lure us into work.

We also laughed our asses off and until our bellies hurt from laughter while processing through this, so something was probably done right :-) I really miss the personal connection with most of you, I don't even know your names. Anyway, patience, it is a matter of capacity. Thank you for showing and being open about your practices.

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As a side note, please allow me to share another hunch (it is about me, work in progress, etc.). I suspect sexuality is in the body, most of it. I really see / feel it as a really high-end vehicle of creation these days, creativity. Biological, energetic, interpersonal, wonderfully expansive, with a great deal of responsibility (for generations). Not a weighty responsibility ideally, but a flowing one. Same as this writing, but maxed out in body. And I own my fair share of connection with sexual archetypes as well within me, that is another thing, these I can see through imagery, I tend to build stories and desires around them in my head. And there is physical reality, when we meet, when it turns out, that some of it is still interesting, and it turns out that some of it is not. (Thoughts of a new-bee, most of you certainly are well past this bit.) There are times of decision as well, what energy or direction I choose or would like to cultivate. Also, there is a time of willingness: can I or do I choose a challenge for myself, e.g. to see the dark, in myself, and get through it. Preferably in a flow, when it comes naturally and safely.

Thanks for the space and the opportunity to connect in retrospect. I write and take photographs as a creative endeavour, mostly portraits and mostly "in the zone", looking forward to maybe working together with some of you later on. Also holotropic breathwork is one of my loves.

Cheers, love, thanks,
Balázs