Triangular and circular dream
I must share today's dream, or rather night’s experiences, if you do not mind.
Yesterday I spent the first part of the day in Budapest. Then the afternoon and evening with R. It is oftentimes a double-sided experience. On the one hand it is intimate and on the other hand there might be a perceived load or perceived expectations on me. Love, human relations may come in many forms and manifest on different layers, emotional, mental, corporal. Connections happen on one or the other. Different avenues, different waveshapes. Unhindered or loaded.
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Then I turned in to sleep at home. My motto was: *I will be loyal to myself, all the time.* Was not easy to truly relax. I slept for a few hours and woke up early morning. I felt unwell. I was relaxed in my sleep emotionally in the past weeks. This time I felt all kinds of unease. I could have used a sitter, almost.
I tried to find myself. It is not easy to find myself, my way, the way of being that has no tension or resistance. I managed, with difficulty. I am quite used to easing into these situations.
Then came the most holotropic, or rather deepest deep, real, long dreams I had in a very long time. It was fully lifelike, clear, and it lasted a long time subjectively. When I woke up in a few hours, I guessed that it is evening at least already, and my alarm clock did not go off.
I was traveling quite a bit in the dreams and there were lots of people, contacts. It was relaxed and spontaneous, airy, spacy, rather modern. Hotels, spaces, etc.
I have seen my hometown, the houses where my mother's flat is, changed, modernized, completely changed faces of the buildings. New workshops, open spaces, it was weird, but it was fine.
At a certain point I was driving, I think with R, here at my hometown. I have seen billboards with a well-known youtuber I know and admire, a very inspiring, good, energetic person. A very accomplished person. More than one billboard. I told aloud that I admire him. And then I saw the man on the street, with his wife. Stopped the car, and asked R to take the steering wheel, I had to go and meet him, right then! So, I went.
There were quite a few people there, sort of an entourage, or family or such. I sticked to them, because I was *determined* to meet this man. The vibe, the way he is, the picture in me about him, that is what I wanted to meet.
Interlude: There was maybe a colleague in another flash of a picture, who talked about a certain place, or man, or people worth visiting. Deep meetings, deep learning. I don't know how these pictures connect but point in the same direction. (*)
We went somewhere with the entourage, I got into a building. There were a few people, I was still in the vibe described above. There was a man who started to talk to me. He was a hugely peculiar one. He had one perfectly triangular and one perfectly round eye. Very, very clear eyes, if you looked into the pupils, it was just pristine. A clean-cut, deep man. If a man…
He built me a wand, of blue and grey and silver colours as we spoke. (Lapis lazuli, in retrospect.) The wand somehow got lost, someone took it when I left. I went back searching for it, I truly wanted it back. Asked for it. They (a woman) did not give it back. A few more people emerged from the entourage. They were very tall. I am a tall person, and they were 1.5x my size, most of them. Completely realistic experience, still. One young man looked down on me and gave another wand, this time a slimmer, ornamental, bright, painted one.
Then came another change. There was a thick curtain covering a door, and I got in, into an inner room. I was led or invited in.
In this room there were a few people, covered in blankets, leaning forward, audibly and rhythmically breathing (holotropically), in deep states. There was a man sitting across the room, and he was smiling with a genuine, deep, unflinching smile. I knew this smile, absolutely no disturbance or distraction, and he was just there. A guru. (I have nothing to do with gurus, except when I do…) He did not want anything, he did not direct anything.
It was a very deep, very real, very detailed, very long experience altogether. I woke up, was lying on my back and was breathing deeply as well.
I went back to sleep again, profound state. I was joining a circle and was telling about my previous experiences. They started to recognize me. I had to work actively and persistently on conveying my thoughts and experiences.
It is not about the list of experiences; it is about the profound and real nature of them. There was nothing spectacular happening in actions. The spectacular part was the man with the eyes, the tall people, the breathwork, the clean and profound state of sitting and smiling.
The profound part is being here with a smile. The profound part is being acknowledged; our profound nature is belonging on a very deep level. It is about knowing that I am approaching something or being in a way that is fundamentally profound, and right.
There was some talk about knowing that I am God, someone said. I cannot recall completely that part, that felt a bit distant. It had zero to do with an inflated ego. I felt a certain distance from this knowledge.
I was wondering when coming out and going back into the dream what you mentioned earlier, about each aspect of our dreams being us. I met outstandingly clean aspects of myself in this dream.
Later, I was hiking up a mountain with R. In a suit. Sunny weather, snow, ice, used to ski there (in dreams or lives). I did not especially want to hike, but it was easy. There was at a certain point a grassy field as well, up high, an open office, I talked about my experiences to the guy from before (*). I did somersaults or something, effortless, in the suit...
Later I woke up, very tired, feeling like someone who spent a long time away, in very lifelike, very rich, very deep experiences.
There was a peculiar moment while sitting side by side with the strange-eyed man and the guru somehow mixed in one person, in the circle that I mentioned. I was checking my phone. I felt this urge sometimes throughout the dreams, that I have to report to R, and I could not, because events were too intense. Sometimes I feel that in life as well, that strain to report. Relax.
Picked up my mobile, and the man instantly leaned towards it, and dictated a voice message for her into the device, the phone automatically unlocked, recorded and sent it. Unfortunately, I can only recall that message vaguely, it was lengthy, five minutes. The main point was that her ways had better be changed if she wants change, because if she recreates the same environment that is not beneficial for her, then change is not possible. It was something to do with animals, a deer cannot live in the den of a boar, or something like that. Referring to her original family environment.
It was a very intense and lifelike, and a long series of dreams.
Somehow, I must do my own movement. I must pay attention. I must not put myself into a box or let anyone put me in a box. I am capable of multi-faceted, quality human connection, capable of quality movement. I do need it, cherish it. Anything else is a lie. Most of my actions to get quick satisfaction is to circumvent this need for quality connection. Inner and outer and the unity of them.
Relationships should be handled accordingly. Maintaining a clear eye. On the other person, thus recognizing their true, maybe lovable traits. Clear vision on how things are and how I am as well. It is not about analysing the other person, it is having a feel and understanding for the situation. For me, for now.
This is it for now, I hope it was not too much — I know it is much in length. It was a big exposure, a big chunk, in one night.
PS: This name is good to keep things here. The transformation should take place here. A difficult prospect maybe, sometimes, but it is only here. A big aspect for me is to stay here, in whatever experience.
Another deeper dream, simpler. About wider than normal capabilities, and everyday situations. Main observations:
I have this rich, natural, airy and wide inscape - intricate, subtle, satisfying and abundant with connection.
On top of that, when moving out and into personality-land, I have a personality that is formed by disconnect and fear (of disconnect and pain and death). Very simple!
When I move into a good workshop-environment, go and do work that lessens the fear factor, provides subtle connection and enables me to flourish with my inscape in the outscape, then I am happy and as full as can be.
So not going into such a mode (when needed) is a disconnect. Went through that this week.
This is me basically. Depression comes when disconnected for a while. I am looking for connection, through the personality.
Some human relations, expectations, etc. make it terribly complicated. When I want the genuine act, and all I get is conditions, and maybe through them connection - this is how I perceive it at least. When fears and defences and circular reactions narrow everything in.
This is me.
So how to get to an ideal life? Getting to satisfaction and this unflinching natural smile on life.
I know it is not only receiving a gift. It is also transformation, in the outscape.
Important is maybe the *how* of everyday connection. Does it build up simply, smoothly, calm? Is it easy and defenceless? Is it spontaneous and natural? Is it understandable? Does it take place here, wherever I am / you are?
It looks like I have no real (life threatening) problems, does it! How lucky! For now, at least. These things can point deep anyway, and inform life. There is no imminent trauma, rather pulls and pushes. There is this stride to free and stable fullness and flourishing though.
I am with you in your spot as well, where events are unexpected, sometimes heavier, more draining. Natural love. That reminds me: at the end of my sessions (say 4-5 of them in that one week), I got to this very unhindered, intimate, loving connection with the person accompanying me. To understanding. We used to get there as well. A nice reminder. It was a welcome sight, and this time initiated by me.