Loop and Construct

The Big Loop:

Being in a relationship in a way that it is not fulfilling in one way or another, e.g. by not pursuing it fully, partial intimacy. Then meeting someone with whom the needed contact, understanding, creation and dreamt of intimacy is there. Then turmoil, not being able to properly say no to the first relationship, by saying no to myself, to my part that wants full containment, intimacy, creation and acceptance. This is a crisis of nay-saying within, to avoid the anticipated turmoil and change outside.

The loop then starts again with a new contact or relationship, half-arsed intimacy after a while, then lack, then meeting someone who can fulfil that momentarily. Then I cannot make a change, I am not able to say no outside, and I am saying a hard no within, to my part that wants contact. Also saying a no to change in the current relationship.

And so forth.

A loop for every few years.

The Construct:

The general construct on top of the turmoil within me of saying no to my wanting connection instead of saying an external no.
Shame and anger arise over the pain of a lost opportunity, judging myself and the world, withdrawing from it and pushing it away. A frequent one.

Daily Contact Loop:

Someone in me wants contact. I say no to my part that really wants and needs contact. A backhand slap. I turn the other way, the wished for contact never arrives. What's with the innermost chamber of my heart?

I have to say no, I have to say yes. No to the outside, when necessary, yes to the inside.

In what form shall I allow myself intimacy?
Because clearly, that is what I need to do. 
In what framework? How do I create nourishing relationships? How do I pay for them?

Container, containment sounds key. It is hard to say no to any containment. It is important to say yes to myself.

“That is important – we need to know and understand what aspects of ourselves we choose to say ‘yes’ to. 
There are multiple dimensions of and within ourselves, we need to be conscious of them and find a way to integrate them all. Relax. Jxx”

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