“Just be gentle!”
Every once in a while we loose some of our presence.
Then we are only partially here.
When this happens our programming kicks in and our wounds start to play us like a beautiful instrument that we are. We really display the most beautiful separation, pain or fear that can ever be painted.
My most pronounced one is separation. When I feel it ache then I separate. Me from myself, you from myself, me from you and myriad other things, to no-thing. This is a very painful, dry place, destructive. It is a cage really, and I am the bird in it. A ribcage, a made up cage, a pattern in our bodies and in our minds.
So this happens, I already feel nauseated, or feel angry or just blank. I feel not selected, I feel left out and opted out. I want in. And I start to feel this numbness or anger – mostly silent, most hurtful anger – instead of the pain.
So we become to loose some of our presence. We are not here fully, we are somewhere else, in a state, a memory, a pattern, and then in the pattern of our answers to these situations, which is the same situation in essence.
If we are lucky then we fail better each time: because we will fail over and over again, no one to blame! It is our nature playing out.
If this play comes to actually fleeting or loosing someone, then a larger round begins again, with a bigger sense of separation and all the stages, a bigger lesson in presence.
If you are lucky and you know how is it to be fully here then feel that memory, reach back to it as it also reaches back to you.
So again, it is all about well worn in patterns of fear and reactions and anger and hiding. Anger is natural, fear is very natural. The trick, the golden thread is the pain itself. The moment you manage to feel it, to surrender all your bullshit fear (see?) then off you go and here you are. Life (sic) nothing happened.
So bullshit fear I say and what does it mean? It means a remainder of anger halfheartedly expressed.
Do not stain. Do not stain your loved one, your own self. When fully here you know there is no stain. Anything there can happen in peace. When half-asleep then you can stain. Somehow the lips of the wound play a hurtful game. You have to come through allowing the pain. You see it does not take hurting or multiplicating whatever you have. It takes embracing and reaching back to full presence that also reaches back to you. That’s called remembering.
So in you are, in the gist of it. You are blind and cannot see, and you are deeply entrenched in a profoundly defined pattern of you. Your loved one is there. You can hardly see.
You know she is suffering there. Some of you flipped. So did you. And you hurt but cannot see because it is too fast. You see a blur and know that something is already done.
Now you can go both ways. You can really destroy. Let it out, delve in it, hurt and destroy.
Your loved one is there and she is suffering, you can destroy her and you can destroy yourself – of course. It is all about destroying yourself. Remember the pain. It is not about inflicting pain, it is about pain revealed once but in full.
* Slow the f* down!
* Stop hiding and reveal yourself. Unprotect.
* Only look for her. What is in her eyes? Look. Find her. You see blurry because you cannot see. Go until you can see outside of you.
* Sloooooow down! Give a signal about that!
* No decisions. Wait. Preferably rest.
* It will settle. It helps if you can somehow express. In any safe way.
* Sloooowly, sloooowly now. Say it to her, she might bear with you.
* Use tricks for communicating. Cards might work, or a pen with words. Show it to her if you cannot speak. An impediment in speech is natural, you are not fully here, remember?
* You see, you do not want to destroy in real life.
* On your way to full presence.
* You are really a lovely one.
II. The challenge is:
* That you really like your cover. Like a covert operative. You are a silent type.
* You like to hurt in you and to flee.
* Maelstrom Man.
* It is not bad! Something to work with, so:
* Know your pain! Know your trigger. In advance, early, before escalation and do the drill!
* Fail and fail better until you stop and come home!
* You really are a cheeky, lovely one!
* So much love!
III. Most importantly:
* Just find yourself please. The best thing you can do is to find yourself, give yourself time and be gentle. Love yourself. Just let it settle, pass.
* Check where you are and move from there. You are loved.
* Find your own place in love.